Note from SweetPoyzin: This chapter contains language and subject matter that might not be appropriate for all readers. Reader discretion is advised.
The morning of my procedure did not start off well.
I woke up to discover my chameleon, Nelson, had passed away. I knew it was my fault, too. I could barely scrape together the cash to feed myself and Adam. I had to rotate feeding the pets and poor Nelson couldn’t hold out any longer.
After mourning the loss of Nelson I had to face the day. Adam was already in the kitchen digging into breakfast leftovers.
“Why don’t you let me take you to the hospital today? I don’t think you should be alone, Penny.”
“No, nope, no. I’ll be fine. You go to school. If I even catch a whiff that you skipped you will be so grounded.”
“Ok, ok fine. If you need anything you call me ASAP. I’m not going to band practice after school though. I’m coming home to check on you. Well, or I’m going to go hangout with Rory. If you call I’ll come home. Otherwise I’m going over to Rory’s.”
Adam went off to school and I didn’t really feel like being alone so I headed off to the local pond.
I sat and meditated. I needed to quiet my heart and mind to make sure this is what I wanted to do. I realized that Nelson’s death was really a sign. I can barely feed myself and my brother. My lizard died because I couldn’t feed it. I totally did not need to bring another stomach into this mess.
And let’s be honest…I’m not the most mature young adult on this planet. I’m in no position to raise a baby right now.
With that it was time to head to the hospital.
Three hours and $4000 later it was over. I sat down on the bench outside the hospital and I wasn’t sure what to feel. I was stunned, sad, relieved, and happy all at the same time. I didn’t want to go home and be alone but I didn’t want to call Adam because he shouldn’t have to deal with this stuff.
Suddenly I knew exactly where to go.
“Can I see Katie?”
“Oh, Katie-Did, Aunt Penny messed up.”
I remember hearing somewhere that babies remember the place they come from, whether it is heaven or something else I don’t know. I don’t even know if they can communicate with it telepathically. In that moment none of those unanswered questions mattered.
“If you see her in your dreams, Bug, tell her I love her. Tell her that’s why I did it. Tell her I’m sorry. Tell her I would have done anything to change this mess I created. Tell her name is Piper.”
After pouring my heart out to my niece I sat down in the chair I bought for her in France where this whole mess started. I fought back tears as I realized what I selfish person I had been. I’m always coming over here to steal kisses from Bug and harvest food from Liv’s farm but I’ve never given anything back.
I went downstairs and amid protests from Mike I prepared cheesesteaks and apple cobbler for Liv’s family.
Once finished I headed home.
Not long after I got home Adam returned from Rory’s house.
“Are you ok? How did it go? How do you feel?”
“It went well. I’m doing ok. I think everything will be ok.”
“That’s it? Really?”
“Yeah, Adam, that’s it.”
“You had a fucking abortion and you’re acting like it’s no big deal! What’s wrong with you, Penny?!”
“Don’t you presume to know how I am feeling, Adam. Don’t you dare! You have no idea what I’m going through. I know it is a big deal Adam. 8 hours ago there was a potential human in me. Now there is nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Don’t you ever tell me I don’t understand.”
After that we spent the rest of the evening in silence. Adam went off to his room to study and I was left to wonder how everything got so fucked up.