Content Warning: Some language and adult situations.
I’d like to say I’m storing up for winter but I’d be lying to myself.
I’d been steadily gaining weight since Harper came along. Needless to say men aren’t looking my way that often. So I took my search for a man to the internet.
I was checking my profile one morning while Linzy was making sure Harper didn’t bite the heads off her dolls.
“Hey lady! How goes the search today? Any good ones?”
When someone lives with you, watches your kids, and cleans your toilet you develop a kinship with them–even if they are working for you. AS such, Linzy had come to be one of my dearest friends over the past couple of months.
“We do have a couple today. Slick Sly Sy says ‘Looking for a lady who knows how to treat a man. You give me a beer and I give you praise.’ He sounds like a winner. Even better is JoeBob LadyKiller who is looking for a lady to berate while wearing a diaper. I’m unsure who wears the diaper but I am sure I don’t want to know.”
“Ooo what a lucky lady you are! How can you turn down those offers!?”
I half sighed, half laughed. “Shut up.”
“Look, I’ve got a better idea.”
“Uh…I give up on men and invest in batteries?”
“Christ! What a lonely life! No, I’ll set you up with my older brother.”
“Your brother? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Trust me. You’ll love him. First, we’ll update your look to beef up your confidence.”
“As long as my confidence is the only thing getting beefed up. I have plenty of beef in other places.”
“No worries. He’s just as out of practice as you are.”
We bundled Dylan off to school. Dylan was more of a homebody that Katie and he had no interest in boarding school. It was getting colder, nearly winter, and I knew the days of school were numbered. It snowed like a bitch here in Storybrook County and it wasn’t uncommon for weeks to be cancelled due to snow days.
Then Linzy had me drive to the salon. She had “ideas” whatever that meant.
“Ok, stay here. I’m going to grab some clothes. I already told the stylist what to do with your hair and makeup.”
“I don’t get a say?” I was suddenly very nervous.
“Do I look like a woman who is going to give you a say?”
“OH MY GOD! You took like 80 pounds off my ass!”
“Don’t ever question me again. Please don’t fire me!”
“Fire you?! I could marry you right now!”
“So, I’m going to call Pete and have him meet you later tonight at Shenanigan’s Sports Bar. We cool?”
I was super nervous about it. I knew if I didn’t say yes now I never would.
“Fuck it. Yes, tell him I’ll be there at 6pm tonight.”
“Hiya, Pete. Say are you doing anything tonight? Good! I’ve got a great woman for you to meet. I don’t care that you are seeing that woman. She’s a dumbass and a bimbo. Yes, I do know so! Seriously, bro, she’s cheating on your ass.”
Holy crap. What have I just walked into. I kept listening mostly because the conversation was hilarious.
“Pete, she dumped you months ago. She just hasn’t told you yet. Fine. Yes, Penny will meet you Shenanigan’s tonight. 6pm. Don’t fuck up.”
Oh the words we were teaching my daughter.
I got to the bar right at 6pm but I was the only one there. Just when I was thinking I’d been stood up (again) the elevator dinged.
An adorable, awkward, dorky guy stepped out–or tried to at least. He promptly got caught in the doors.
After he face planted I was wondering if this was really the guy Linzy hooked me up with.
When he came in and sat down alone I knew he was he for me. I grabbed us some drinks and hoped for the best. We didn’t do much drinking though. From the phone call it was obvious he was dating another woman and so I didn’t put much into the date. Instead we played some bar games.
“HA! I knew you couldn’t beat me! I am the dart champion.”
“Shush. I still have two more darts here.”
I got the bullseye both times.
“What was that you were saying, Peter?”
“Alright. Whatever. I can whoop your butt at shuffleboard.”
“I’d like to see you try, sir.”
“Aww, don’t worry, Pete. I don’t think you less of a man. You just suck at life.”
We spent the rest of the night talking about nothing in particular. I really did like him. He was nerdy and laid back. It really was a shame he was dating some other woman.
We left the bar about 11pm and despite the hour I knew I had one more stop before I went home.
“GIRL! I knew you’d stop by. Tell me all about it!”
“How’d you know?! I didn’t even tell you I had a date!”
“Linzy called me right after you left. Adam and the girls are in bed. I already have wine and cookies ready.”
I enjoyed that two women who were not even my sisters quickly became the family I missed so desperately.
Hannah’s energy was infectious and soon I was too excited to sit like a normal person so I bounced around the living room.
“So…how was it? Is he a keeper?”
“Oh…I don’t know…YES! He’s dating another woman though. Or at least I think he is from the phone call I overheard from Linzy.”
“Oooo girl! You’ll win him over.”
I giggled like a school girl, “I totally want in his pants.”
We celebrated like teenage girls. Hannah and I made a pact to hit the gym once the holidays were over (like we were going to lose any weight with Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner).
“GO TEAM HANKS!”
“Will you girls shut up down there!” Adam called out from the stairs. This only caused us to giggle more.
Yep. Just like teenage girls.
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